Under the best of circumstances, your Super Bowl party is filled with family, friends, and coworkers that do their own little parts to make the event live up to the hype. But you can count on any number of these 12 party personalities to show up and put the strain on everyone’s nerves.
It takes you the entire first quarter to explain to her who’s on offense or defense. Forget about explaining the concept of down and distance. And if she could suffer in silent ignorance, it wouldn’t be so bad. Instead, she reminds everyone over and over again how she ‘will never understand this game’. No kidding, girl.
A self-proclaimed football connoisseur, you’ll be sure to get a step-by-step description of every play whether you want it or not–complete with moronic football jargon like ‘half-back pass in the flat’ and ‘encroachment in the neutral zone’ and peppered with comments about what the ‘offensive coordinator should have done’.
During gameplay, he or she will be visiting the food bar, refreshing a drink, or, even worse, talking over the game commentary. But for every commercial and the halftime show, this nut is all eyes and ears. You’ll get a breakdown of the spot, an unnecessary explanation of the commercial’s obvious irony–just so that everyone ‘gets it’, and a non-stop stream of comparisons to Super Bowl commercials past.
Super Bowl Sunday is an opportunity to party–and drink. But like most things in his life, this irrational jerk takes it to the extreme. Shots during pre-game, a beer slammed for each touchdown scored, followed by the sloppiness and voice volume that makes everyone cringe. The only thing that makes us feel better is the guarantee that this guy’s post-Super Bowl Monday will have him feeling worse than he makes us all feel during the game. Justice.
Easy to spot and steer clear from–you’ll want a seat as far from this guy as possible. He’s got a lot of ‘skin’ in the game–several thousand dollars’ worth of bets with his bookie, with his online sports-book, and with several guys in the office. When he’s up, cheers are loud and fists are pumped. When he’s down, his string of expletives are interrupted only by the smacking of his own forehead. Gamblers Anonymous, anyone?
This girl loves football, loves her team, and will stop at nothing until you know it. Every play is met with extreme overjoy or abject disgust. If her quarterback gets hurt, she’ll fall to her knees and pray for him to get up, as if she gave birth to him or is married to him. By then end of the game, she’ll have lost her voice–and you’ll know that because she won’t stop talking.
This always happens at the most crucial moments in the game. They’ve just had a good meal–and, for them, that requires a smoke to make maximize the experience. Yes, I understand you don’t want to miss this next play, but you know everyone else is going outside to smoke. Is it cool if I make this one exception for you this one time? Sorry, but no.
The dog is man’s best friend. In fact, this dude would rather bring his dog to the Super Bowl party–and he just did. The problem is, he never checked to see if dogs are allowed. The dog weighs 150 lbs. and slobbers. The dog runs from guest to guest hoping someone will drop a wing or some dip on the floor. And just to complete the disaster, the dog sneaks off to random corners of the house to pee–which, of course, you won’t find out about until the next day when you smell it.
No matter what happens during the course of the game, this guy new it was coming. Touchdown pass? He called it. Quarterback sack and fumble recovery? He knew it all along. Overtime win? He told you that would happen. But we’ve got a message for the Super Bowl party guest that knows it all. Hey, pal, nobody likes a know-it-all–and you can bet that nobody likes you.
Instead of living in the here-and-now, the fantasy football fanatic lives in a perpetual dream world. He or she constantly reminds you which players were on his fantasy league team–players you probably don’t know, and certainly players that you don’t care about. Yes, I know you wished Nicholas Ballenger would have kicked this well for your fantasy team–whoever the heck that is.
This guy has a bladder the size of a walnut. This guy is drinking beer. This guy goes to the bathroom a lot over the course of the game. Not your problem, right? Wrong. Because every time this guy goes and comes back, you’re the unfortunate soul charged with filling him in on every nuance of every play that he missed. And that makes you miss the nuance of every play going forward. Hey, bathroom guy, try some Depends adult undergarments.